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Jackie Ulmer: Testing 1, 2, 3, testing 1, 2, 3, making sure our sound is good. Let me make sure that I'm connected. And I am.
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Jackie Ulmer: What's it going to be like spinning my life married to a pilot? This is a common question that many ask when they first begin dating, or marry a pilot or into the aviation lifestyle. I hear this frequently from my pilot wife coaching clients. And I see questions like this pop up all the time in groups online.
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Jackie Ulmer: I'm Jackie Almer. And this is the Pilot. Wide podcast and aviation adventures show.
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Jackie Ulmer: How do you deal with the loneliness, the anxiety, the holidays and special occasions spent alone, maybe even childbirth and other things when you're married to an airline pilot. So today, after being asked that question over and over again, and seeing it asked, I'm going to share my thoughts and my experiences as a letter that I would write to my younger pilot wife self.
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Jackie Ulmer: Now keep in mind. I'm the wife of a commercial airline pilot. And so I'm writing this letter from those experiences what I've lived, and from that perspective. And I'm going to guess that even if you're not part of the commercial aviation world, that you're going to find yourself
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Jackie Ulmer: in some of these situations, these stories, these thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Even if you're charter, corporate, military or other, some other part of pilot wife life.
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Jackie Ulmer: Here's the thing. Here's how I'm going to start this letter.
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Jackie Ulmer: You're going to have a great life.
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Jackie Ulmer: It's going to have its ups and downs pun intended. But what life doesn't. It's all in how you look at it, and how you deal with it.
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Jackie Ulmer: We can focus on just the bad, or we can find the silver lining
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Jackie Ulmer: when you feel stressed, angry or disappointed over any situation. I want you to just stop and ask yourself.
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Jackie Ulmer: why is this happening?
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Jackie Ulmer: Where is this feeling coming from? What is it? Specifically. That's triggering me, is it truly? What's going on right now, or can I quickly flash back to another memory from the past?
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Jackie Ulmer: And it have it be something that I'm now reengaging with. So an important thing to always ask is is this real and happening? Or is my mind creating a lot of drama around things
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Jackie Ulmer: as humans, we have a tendency to consistently recreate past experiences.
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Jackie Ulmer: putting them into the now and taking what's going on in the now and somehow correlating it to a past experience, and we can often project that into the future. Often you find yourself.
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Jackie Ulmer: you know, starting to be filled with worry and anxiety, and they're not even leaving on a trip till the next day. But already your body, your mind, your thoughts, are conjuring up what's going to happen.
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Jackie Ulmer: We do this subconsciously, and it's a very human experience. You are normal
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Jackie Ulmer: now for me. Once I got a grip on this, and I mastered it.
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Jackie Ulmer: and I still work every day to master it. It's not like it's gone forever. But once I really began to understand it and develop some tools that I could work with myself, my life completely changed, and I became much happier in every aspect of my life.
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Jackie Ulmer: Here are some things that might happen to you in your aviation life
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Jackie Ulmer: you're going to feel lonely. You're going to feel anxious. You're going to feel jealous at times for a number of different things jealous that they aren't dealing with the kids and a snow day that they can order room service if they want sleep in. That's a joke that's always been in in my life, in, in my household of. I think that all you do. I think that you think that when I'm on a trip all I do is order, room service.
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Jackie Ulmer: I might have been guilty of thinking that. And, you know, lounging in bed, and the reality of it is, it's very far from that most of the time.
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Jackie Ulmer: So you're going to have some jealousy around lifestyle. Other members of the opposite sex in the cockpit with them in the cabin on overnights all of those things that our mind can go crazy with.
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And
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Jackie Ulmer: now today, you're going to have to deal with social media. Now, can I just pause and say I didn't have to deal with that in the early years, and I'm so grateful. But just remember, this
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Jackie Ulmer: social media is not real life.
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Jackie Ulmer: It's a snapshot that's often photoshopped and made to look much better than it truly is. It only tells a small piece of any story.
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Jackie Ulmer: and we never know the story behind the story, and there always is one. So remind yourself not to constantly assume anything. When you see something.
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Jackie Ulmer: Don't assume that that person's life who looks so much better than yours really is, that looks so much easier than yours really is, so much less complicated because it's not. Life is messy for everyone. It's the human experience.
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Jackie Ulmer: So when you see someone who is happy just know that their life like yours is 50 50. It's a constant balancing act.
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Jackie Ulmer: Bad things happen to everybody. People get sick, people leave relationships end. People die, jobs are lost, moves happen. And all of the things that incorporate life. It happens for everyone.
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Jackie Ulmer: But, as you well know, most of us put our a role out on social media instead of our B roll, and certainly not our C role or D role and keep on going.
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Jackie Ulmer: You're going to have to deal with disappointment when they fly during a big event, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, explaining to your sister why he won't be there at the wedding. Funerals all that. And again I mentioned childbirth. Fortunately my husband was home for the birth of both of my children. So knock on wood grateful for that. But I know that's not the case for everyone.
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Jackie Ulmer: I actually suffered a miscarriage early in our marriage, and he wasn't home for that. But I was so grateful that there was another pilot wife who was, and that's who I called, and that's who went to the hospital with me and held my hand, and looking back, now I got through that just fine. It wasn't his fault. I didn't blame him. It's just the way it was.
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Jackie Ulmer: I learned to ask myself, is it going to really matter tomorrow or next week
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Jackie Ulmer: most often one week after anything. It just doesn't matter any more. Any missed event, any missed holiday again. It's all what we make of it.
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Jackie Ulmer: The most important thing that you can do to save yourself
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Jackie Ulmer: and save your marriage and save any relationship is to learn good communication skills. I mentioned, social media can be such an advantage to you to sit down and have some discussions around that have good communications. Set those boundaries.
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Jackie Ulmer: so be willing to declare what your expectations are of overnights, pictures posted on social media. fraternizing with the rest of the of the crew, etc. What what they do on overnights I'm not here to advise you on that, judge you on that, or tell you how things should be done. That's a personal decision
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Jackie Ulmer: and a personal conversation that has to happen between you and your partner.
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Jackie Ulmer: But I know that developing those good communication skills, setting those boundaries, being able to speak our truth
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Jackie Ulmer: can be especially difficult as women, because we're conditioned to be people pleasers. It's what we do. And we're conditioned to put everybody else first.
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Jackie Ulmer: That doesn't mean that's anyone's fault. It doesn't even mean that your pilot, your spouse partner, kids, it doesn't even necessarily mean that anybody else is asking or expecting you to do that. We just learn to condition ourselves, to automatically default to that.
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Jackie Ulmer: And I mentioned boundaries. We often have no clue how to really
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Jackie Ulmer: speak. Boundaries set boundaries agree to boundaries and work together on that
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Jackie Ulmer: we often have no idea how to truly speak up for ourselves, speak our truth, and most specifically speak about what it is that we need what we require for happiness, contentment, joy, a happy marriage, a happy partnership.
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Jackie Ulmer: Here's what I know.
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Jackie Ulmer: He loves you. He chose you. He doesn't want to be gone as much as he is, either.
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Jackie Ulmer: He feels lonely, too. He feels anxious, too. He wonders what you're doing just like you wonder what he's doing. I mean, imagine that right?
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Jackie Ulmer: He worries that you're going to get frustrated with his absences, with his job, with this lifestyle that the 2 of you have entered into together
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Jackie Ulmer: that you're going to look around for someone else or something better.
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Jackie Ulmer: He's going to spend his time showing people pictures of you showing people pictures of the kids, the family talking about you, what you do, how much he loves you, how much he cares for you, how great your life is together.
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Jackie Ulmer: He's going to talk about how great his family and time is, and I know this because, as I've shared before, I was in aviation. Before I met and married my pilot.
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Jackie Ulmer: I spent time around pilots who loved showing me pictures of their kids and their wives and talking about them, and it was very clear to me how much they missed them. They would talk about the baseball game that they were missing, or the play that they were missing, or your promotion at work, or or whatever it whatever it is, your anniversary. They would talk about that.
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Jackie Ulmer: and I would see the guilt, the worry, the frustration, the sadness in their eyes. I definitely would see that.
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Jackie Ulmer: So what you want to do is give him every reason to want to talk about you to want to talk about the family and to continue to do that.
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Jackie Ulmer: And we do that by working to always show up as our best self that doesn't mean fake it. That doesn't mean not to allow your feelings, your frustrations, your anger, and your boundaries to show up.
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Jackie Ulmer: But that means to decide who you are.
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Jackie Ulmer: what matters to you
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Jackie Ulmer: the value that you place on your relationship, and how you want to always leave a positive impact in every situation.
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Jackie Ulmer: It means taking the time to think before you speak, think before you act.
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Jackie Ulmer: and always weigh in on what it is that's creating the thoughts and the feelings around your circumstance at that particular moment.
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Jackie Ulmer: It's super easy to react and overreact in the heat of the moment with any situation. We've all done it, and most of us have lived to regret that as time passes, so if we can again take control of our own thoughts and begin to manage those we can anticipate. Rough patches, take a pause before we react and blow up right
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Jackie Ulmer: and really then show up as the best version of ourself that we want to be.
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Jackie Ulmer: Now. In many cases
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Jackie Ulmer: the reality is, he chose a profession that was a lifelong dream. I know that's the case for my husband from the time he was 8 years old he wanted to be a pilot. It drives my kids crazy because they're always like Gee, it's great that Dad knew exactly what he wanted to do at 8 years old, and they didn't have that, and I didn't either. But as a small child he might have watched airplanes glide through the sky, and he might have fantasized about being the pilot in those airplanes.
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Jackie Ulmer: And certainly at that time, when that dream was formulated. He didn't understand all of the baggage that goes along with the profession. Right? Most of us don't
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Jackie Ulmer: long stretches of time away from home, away from you away from his family, away from the people. He loves, deviations and delays.
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Jackie Ulmer: whether in mechanicals, crabby passengers, flight attendants, or pilots, or people in general, pandemics, crappy food, no food.
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Jackie Ulmer: crappy hotels and hotel rooms that aren't ready when you arrive, especially after a a cross country all night. Flight right? Those things happen. Hotel maintenance maintenance when they come in and during the day, when they assume everybody else is up, they're affecting sleep because they're loud and noisy and banging around and fixing this and fixing that while the pilot is trying to sleep during the day because they're doing all nighters.
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Jackie Ulmer: bedbugs, yikes, right?
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Jackie Ulmer: It's a career that can have a lot of baggage with it.
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Jackie Ulmer: There's furloughs, domicile and base closures, reassignments, aircraft that are taken out of service, retired and forced equipment, changes economic woes. Pay cuts the last decade, as many of us, from the old days like to call it. That was Post 9 11. It's called the lost decade because there were furloughs. There was no new hires, no movement. It was very, very stagnant.
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Jackie Ulmer: I also know that he spends a lot of his trips and time away. Feeling stressed and anxious, too. I mentioned that he's learned to compartmentalize.
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Jackie Ulmer: and it's critical to the success he has as a pilot to be able to compartmentalize. but it can be frustrating when you're on the receiving end of that, and you don't fully understand it when it's happening in the moment.
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Jackie Ulmer: But I can assure you this, it's not personal. It's not about you. He has a job to do. And again, good communication.
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Jackie Ulmer: And again, good communication skills go a long way for both of you to know how to express what's going on when
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Jackie Ulmer: it's happening and when things must be put on the back burner in the immediate
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Jackie Ulmer: situation that he might be dealing with because he's at work. That's what makes him a great pilot.
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Jackie Ulmer: That's what makes you proud of him.
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Jackie Ulmer: It's always going to seem like there's something better out there.
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Jackie Ulmer: a prettier girl, a thinner girl, a girl with a more perfect body, a girl who's more fun? A girl that's smarter, you know, whatever it is, a girl that's filling the blank. We all have it. It's that paranoia. It's that tendency that we have to measure ourselves up against everyone else.
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Jackie Ulmer: It's human nature to feel like we're not enough to feel unworthy to feel that paranoia and all of these are just thoughts.
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Jackie Ulmer: None of them are true. Right. Ask yourself really and truly, are you unworthy? Are you not good enough?
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Jackie Ulmer: Ask yourself those questions. Don't bog yourself down on asking if you're the thinnest girl, or the one with the most perfect body, or the prettiest, or any of that.
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Jackie Ulmer: because that is a recipe for disaster that will drive you crazy every single time you do it.
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Jackie Ulmer: Okay.
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Jackie Ulmer: remind yourself of all those times in your life when you have been good enough when you have been chosen, when you have been worthy.
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Jackie Ulmer: We all have those times that we can look back on in our lives
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Jackie Ulmer: those times that were total wins where we took first place, or even second place, we got 100% on the test. We got into that difficult class
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Jackie Ulmer: remind you so yourself of those positive things in your life, on those times when you start feeling stressed and unworthy.
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Jackie Ulmer: start every day with gratitude for the opportunity that you have in this life that you've been given
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Jackie Ulmer: the aviation life can no doubt be challenging, but it can also be
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Jackie Ulmer: absolutely stunning. It can also be challenging to be married to an attorney. I know this because I have many friends who are many friends whose spouses Sunday afternoons spent were spent away from the family working on briefings for the next week, and what was going on, and all of that, and I'll take my life
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Jackie Ulmer: any day over theirs. Remind yourself that.
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Jackie Ulmer: with very few exceptions, your pilot doesn't bring their job home with them. They park the plane. they set the breaks and they get out and they come home to you.
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Jackie Ulmer: This allows them to be fully present when they are at home.
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Jackie Ulmer: That doesn't mean that they always will be. But again, going back to those good communication skills, you can create the best, most positive scenarios, most often
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Jackie Ulmer: part of showing up as your best self is always asking yourself. How can I make him feel great? How can I make him feel worthy.
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Jackie Ulmer: happy to be married to me, and happy to come home to me and the kids and the family, if that's or the fur Babies, whatever it is.
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Jackie Ulmer: when we show up as our best sells for someone else.
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Jackie Ulmer: We're also showing up as our best self or ourselves.
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Jackie Ulmer: Assuming that we aren't people pleasing, assuming that we aren't always putting someone else's needs ahead of our own. That's not at all what I mean by showing up as your best self.
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Jackie Ulmer: I promise you, when you're the one willing to take that first step and lead the way on showing up as your best self and working to make his life great.
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Jackie Ulmer: It's most often reciprocated.
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Jackie Ulmer: It's just human nature. It's human nature to want to reciprocate what we're experiencing.
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Jackie Ulmer: Now, here's some things that might happen.
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Jackie Ulmer: That tree is going to fall on your house and knock out the power on the very first night that you're alone as a pilot wife during a raging thunderstorm.
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Jackie Ulmer: How do I know this? Because, yes, it happened to me you'll figure out what to do. This was long before cell phones, texting, or any of that. The garage door might fall off its tracks while he's on a trip trapping you at home.
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Jackie Ulmer: How do I know this? Because yes, it happened to me.
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Jackie Ulmer: You'll figure it out. The garbage disposal's going to back up the plumbing's going to go Awol. The air conditioner's going to go out. The washer might overflow. The kids will get sick.
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Jackie Ulmer: The dog may need to be euthanized while he's on a trip. There might be snow days, hurricanes, all kinds of things.
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Jackie Ulmer: and you're going to find out how strong you truly are, how competent you truly are. How brilliant your mind is, how capable you are, and just how worthy you are.
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Jackie Ulmer: and he's going to appreciate all of that.
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Jackie Ulmer: even if he doesn't tell you right away, he's going to appreciate knowing that he can leave.
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Jackie Ulmer: and everything's going to be in good hands. So just embrace it.
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Jackie Ulmer: Know that the universe is giving you many, many gifts. It's giving you the gift of aviation. Travel the whole world at your fingertips, especially if you're in the commercial airline part of aviation.
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Jackie Ulmer: I want to encourage you to learn to always see the positive in every situation.
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Jackie Ulmer: Remember this. We only grow during times of struggle. No growth occurs when everything is happy and seems perfect going along as we planned.
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Jackie Ulmer: It's only in those frustrating times, those dark times what seems like, you know, the world being full of dark moments, that our best opportunity
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Jackie Ulmer: come up and shine happens
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Jackie Ulmer: work to build a community not just of others, in aviation, and other pilot wives, but good friends, friends who truly have your back, who don't mind that you show up solo a lot of the time. They don't ask you a ton of questions. They just understand.
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Jackie Ulmer: They don't mind when you ask if you can bring a plus one instead of your pilot, because he's flying. but they think of you also when the holidays hit and they invite you, even if they know that you're busy, they they just want to care for you and make sure that you're well tended to, and that you don't spend holidays and special occasions alone.
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Jackie Ulmer: Enjoy this one amazing life that you've been given.
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Jackie Ulmer: Learn to see the silver lining in any situation, and to laugh at the BS. That you're often going to wade through
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Jackie Ulmer: when times seem tough. I want you to look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself how awesome you are, how smart, how brilliant, beautiful, how badass and more
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Jackie Ulmer: high-five yourself in the mirror each morning. and then pass that on to others high. 5 other people give words of encouragement to others. Maybe another pilot wife who's struggling.
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Jackie Ulmer: Let them know how capable they are.
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Jackie Ulmer: Spend less time looking back, except
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Jackie Ulmer: Those times when we're looking at all of the great things that we've experienced. Only look back
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Jackie Ulmer: to appreciate what you've gone through, how you've grown and spend less time. Also looking forward except to anticipate more great things happening. I want to encourage you to spend as much time as possible in the right here right now.
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Jackie Ulmer: the present, which is all we really have.
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Jackie Ulmer: and when you feel alone and anxious.
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Jackie Ulmer: Send him a text and let him know that you're thinking of him. Fill his day with brightness, and put a smile on his face, because it can't help but put a smile on your face, too.
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Jackie Ulmer: Give him that opportunity that when he lands in some cold, distant city and turns on his phone. Let your bright, shining, beautiful face greet him and remind him that he's loved and appreciated, and that you miss him.
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Jackie Ulmer: I promise you this is going to come back around
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Jackie Ulmer: what goes around comes around the good and the bad.
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Jackie Ulmer: And so, dear younger pilot, wife, self.
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Jackie Ulmer: it's going to be a beautiful ride. A beautiful life, a beautiful journey.
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Jackie Ulmer: There's going to be some turbulence and rain clouds, and there's going to be some sunshine up above those clouds. There's going to be mostly sunshine.
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Jackie Ulmer: those moments when you look out and you feel like you're walking on Heaven's carpet.
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Jackie Ulmer: embrace it, enjoy it, and savor it
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Jackie Ulmer: because, I can assure you that over 3 decades later
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Jackie Ulmer: it has been amazing.
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Jackie Ulmer: I'm Jackie Almer, your co-pilot on the pilotwive podcast.
