Looking Back on 30 Years as a Pilot Wife

What’s it going to be like spending my life married to a pilot? This is a common question many ask when they first begin dating or marry a pilot. I hear this frequently from my pilot wife coaching clients and see questions like this posted in groups online.

How do you deal with loneliness, anxiety, holidays and special occasions alone, maybe even childbirth and other things?

So, today, I’m going to share my thoughts and experiences as a Letter I would write to my younger pilot wife self. Keep in mind, I am the wife of a commercial airline pilot so I am writing this letter and sharing my experiences from that perspective. I’m going to guess you might find yourself in some of this even if your situation is charter, corporate, military or some other part of pilot life.

You’re going to have a great life. It’s going to have its ups and downs. Every life does. It’s all how you look at it and deal with it. We can focus on just the bad or we can find that silver lining.

When you feel stressed, angry or disappointed over any situation, stop, and ask yourself, why is this happening? Where is this feeling coming from? What is triggering me? Is it real and happening now or is it something from my past that I am re-engaging with?

As humans, we have a tendency to consistently recreate past experiences in the now and project to the future. We do this subconsciously. Once I got a grip on this and mastered it, my life completely changed and I became much happier.

Here are some things that are going to happen. You’re going to feel lonely. You’re going to feel anxious. You’re going to feel jealous. Their fabulous trip with a hotel room and room service on demand!

Jealous of other crew members in the cockpit and cabin. On overnights.

Going to have to deal with social media, even though I didn’t have to in those early years. Just remember - social media is not real life. It looks so much better than it really is. It tells only a small piece of any story. We never know the story behind the story.

Remind yourself constantly not to assume anything. That person who’s life looks so much better, so much easier, so much less complicated - it’s not. Life is messy. For everyone. It’s the human experience. When you see someone who is happy, just know that their life is 50/50 too. Bad things happen. People get sick, leave, relationships end, people die, jobs are lost, moves happen and all of the things.

You’re going to have to deal with disappointment, when they have to fly during a big event, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals. It’s all going to be OK. One week after it won’t even matter.

The most important thing that you can do to save yourself, and your marriage, and any relationship is to learn good communication skills.

Have a conversation around overnights, social media, other crew and time spent together. When you set boundaries and speak your truth, ask for what you want ahead of time, it will set the stage for greater success for you both.

That can be difficult as a woman, because we’re conditioned to be people pleasers. We don’t often understand how to set boundaries. We often have no idea how to speak up for ourselves, speak our truth, and most specifically speak what we need. What we require for happiness, contentment and joy.

Here’s what I know. He loves you. He chose you. He doesn’t want to be gone as much as he is. He feels lonely too. He feels anxious too. He wonders what you’re doing, just like you wonder what he’s doing. He worries that you’re gonna get frustrated with his absences. That you’re going to look around for someone else or some thing better. He’s going to spend his time, showing people pictures of you, the kids, talking about you, talking about how great his family is in his life.

Give him every reason to want to do that, and continue to do that.

Work to always show up as your best self. That doesn’t mean fake it. That doesn’t mean not to allow your feelings, your frustrations, your anger, and your boundaries show up. That means decide who you are, what matters to you and how you want to always leave a positive impact.

It means take the time to think before you speak, think before you act, and always weigh in on what it is, that’s creating the thoughts in the feelings around your circumstance at that moment. It’s easy to react, and over react in the heat of the moment. Something many of us come to regret as time passes.

In many cases, he chose a profession that was a life long dream. As a small child, he may have watched airplanes glide through the sky and fantasized about being the pilot. He didn’t fully understand all the “baggage” that goes along with the profession.

Long stretches of time away from home, away from you, deviations and delays, weather and mechanicals. Crabby passengers, flight attendants, co pilots and people in general. Pandemics, crappy food, no food, hotel rooms that aren’t ready when they are supposed to be, especially after a cross country all night flight. Hotel maintenance affecting sleep. Bed bugs, yikes.

Furloughs, domicile and base closures, reassignments, aircraft taken out of service, retired and forced equipment changes. Economic woes, pay cuts. The lost decade - this was post 9/11.

He spends a lot of his trips and time away feeling stressed and anxious, too. He’s learned to compartmentalize and it’s critical to his success as a pilot. It can be frustrating to be on the receiving end of that when it’s happening but I assure you, it is not personal.

He has a job to do. Again, good communication skills go a long way for both of you to know how to express what’s going on when and when things must be put on the back burner in the immediate because he is at work.

It’s always going to seem like there’s something better out there. A prettier girl, a thinner, girl, a girl, with a more perfect body, a girl that’s more fun, a girl, that smarter, a girl that’s fill in the blank.

It’s human nature to feel like we’re not enough. To feel unworthy. To feel comparanoia. All of these are just thoughts though. None of them are true. Right? Ask yourself really and truly are you unworthy? Are you not good enough?

And remind yourself when in your life, you have been good enough, you have been chosen, you have been worthy. We all have those times we can look back on in our lives That were total wins. Where we took first place, or even second place. We got the 100% on the test. When we got into that difficult class.

Start every day with gratitude for the opportunity that you have in the life that you’ve been given. The aviation life can be challenging. But it can also be challenging being married to attorney. I know this because I have many friends who are, and I’ll take my life any day over there’s. Remind yourself that they don’t bring the job home with them. This allows them to be fully present when they are at home. That doesn’t mean that they always will be, but again going back to those good communication skills -  you can create that.

Part of showing up for your best self is always asking yourself. How can I make him feel great. Worthy. Happy to be married to me, and happy to come home to me. When we show up is our best selves for someone else, we’re also showing up as our best selves for ourselves. Assuming that we aren’t people pleasing, we’re always putting someone else’s needs ahead of our own.

I promise you when you take the first step and lead the way on showing up this way and working to make his life great, it is most often reciprocated. It’s just human nature.

Here’s some things that might to happen. The tree is going to fall on your house and knock out the power of the very first night that you’re alone as a pilot wife, during a raging thunder storm. You’ll figure out what to do. The garage door might fall off its tracks while he’s on a trip, trapping you at home. You’ll figure it out. The garbage disposal‘s going to back up, the plumbing’s gonna go AWOL, the air conditioner is going to go out. The washer might over flow. The kids will get sick. The dog may need to be euthanized, There might be snow days, hurricanes, all kinds of things. And you’re going to find out how strong you are, how competent you are, how capable you are, and just how worthy you are.

Embrace it. Know that the universe is giving you many many gifts. It’s giving you the gift of aviation, Travel in the whole world at your fingertips, especially if you’re in the commercial airline part of aviation. Learn to always see the positive in every situation. Remember this, we only grow during times of struggle. No growth occurs when everything is happy and going along as we planned it. It’s in those frustrating times, would seem like dark moments that our best opportunity comes up to shine.

Work to build a community, not just of others in aviation and other pilot wives, but good friends, who truly have your back. Who don’t mind that you show up solo a lot of the time, or that you ask if you can bring a plus one other than your Pilot partner. But think of you and remember to invite you to holidays in special occasions, knowing that often you’ll be spending those alone.

Enjoy this one amazing life that you have been given. Learn to see the silver lining in any situation and to laugh at the BS that you’ll wade through.

When times seem tough, look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself how awesome you are. How smart, brilliant, beautiful, bad ass and more. High five yourself in the mirror each morning and then pass that on to others. Let them know how capable they are.

Spend less time looking back except to life, less time looking forward except to anticipate more great things and as much time as possible in the right here, right now. The present. Which is all we really have.

When you feel alone and anxious, send him a text and let him know you are thinking of him. Fill his day with brightness and put a smile on his face when he lands, in some cold distant city and turns on his phone. Let your bright smiling beautiful face greet him and remind him that he is loved and appreciated.

I promise you, this will come back around. What goes around comes around, the good and the bad.

And so, dear younger pilot wife self - It’s going to be a beautiful ride. There will be some turbulence and rain clouds, and there will be sunshine up above those clouds. Those moments when you feel like you are walking on heaven’s carpet.

Embrace it. Enjoy it. Savor it.

I’m Jackie Ulmer, your co-pilot on the pilot wife podcast.

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